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Sunday 6 June 2010

Tackling the World Cup

As football madness goes global again, it’s best to relax and ride with the roars. 

I KNOW what some of you out there are thinking. Why would anybody sacrifice free time to watch 22 grown men running around a field in pursuit of a ball? More to the point, why would they rather do that than spend time with ... me?

This is the mantra repeated time and time again throughout the year, but it reaches its climax every four years. And this week, the madness has started again – the World Cup is back.

This quadrennial event pits the best national football teams from around the world against each other in an effort to find the world champion. This year, it takes place in South Africa, where between June 11 and July 11, 32 nations will compete in 64 games in a somewhat complicated tournament format.

More importantly, it is a spectator show that draws people from all around the world to a single focal point.

Ever since the World Cup was first televised in 1954, watching it has become a worldwide phenomenon. The International Federation of Association Football (FIFA) estimates that about 2.2 billion people watched some part of the 2006 event, , with a staggering 715 million people catching the final itself.

Given a world population of about 6.6 billion and several assumptions (including the unlikely one that football viewing patterns don’t change significantly after a person is married or gets a boyfriend girlfriend – we’ll just assume that the World Cup is a great exception), we can estimate that four out of nine couples will have one partner who will watch the World Cup.

And taking a cue from the statistic that only 14% of English soccer’s premier league spectators are women, we say that it’s mostly wives and girlfriends who will be wondering what the fuss is about.

So, this is my appeal to all the women out there: Give your man a break. More than that, give your man support.

This is the world’s greatest sporting event and it only happens once every four years. It is a (mostly) non-violent sport, exhibiting artistry and technique, evoking the greatest in commitment and competitiveness from players and spectators alike.

These are all noble ideals, and to all those who have complained that the Industrial Revolution marked a decline in humanism, and a rise in materialism, I will hereby argue that the rise of commercialism in football has demonstrated that the two can dovetail neatly.

There are many benefits to watching football:

* When your significant other invites friends and family to the house to eat and watch a game, it is a reminder that we don’t need an open house as an excuse to get together, and that there are other things besides religion and nationalism that bind us – as long as we support the same team.

* You will know where your man is and what he is doing at all times. And depending on how loudly he cheers, you will also know what he is thinking.

* Allegedly, condom sales increase during the World Cup. This could be a good or bad thing, depending on your situation. Share in the passion, that’s what I say.

There will be a few downsides, too:

* For about a month, the only decent conversation you can have will be related to either a game that had been played, a game being played, or a game that’s about to be played. Instead of fighting this, it is more beneficial to reword your conversations to reflect this. “Remember how you admired Ronaldo the other night when he tracked back to pick the ball up in defence? Well, don’t forget to pick up your anak from tuition afterwards, okay?”

* Set ground rules before the game begins (“Clean up after yourselves”, and “Don’t wake up the baby” are probably the most common). They will probably be pushed to the back of the mind during the game (the limbic system has a tendency to dominate thoughts), but that’s temporary. You will find football fans quite receptive at half-time or after a game. That is, as long as their team is winning, or has won.

* Passion is infectious and uncontrolled, and food and drinks are commonplace at football viewing parties. Remove all fragile items from the living room, and replace all the nice tablecloths and carpets with cheaper versions.

* For this World Cup, some of the best games will be played at 2.30am. Don’t be shocked to wake up in the middle of the night and wonder why the house is about to cave in. You can go to bed early so you don’t lose out on sleep. Or, better still, tell your significant other you want to check out that new boutique hotel in town. Your partner might even pay for your stay.

At the end of the day, it is important to realise that when your partner wants to watch football (even if it is three times a day for a fortnight), what he is doing is particiaptin a global event that brings people together, while catering to the primal need for competitiveness. In the old days, tribes had to go to war to fulfill those basic instincts. Now the war paint has been replaced by coloured scarves, and instead of bile and blood being shed, there are just yellow and red cards.

And once the month is over, so will the madness – for another three years and 11 months. Unless he’s a die-hard Premier League fan, in which case you’ll only have about 30 days.

CONTRADICTHEORY, By DZOFF AZMI

Logic is the antithesis of emotion but mathematician-turned-scriptwriter Dzof Azmi’s theory is that people need both to make of life’s vagaries and contradictions.

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